I’m now sojourning in a strange land. I decided to run away from my homeland, from my village and from my state. I decided to run away from the curse placed on my family by the gods. Even though I’m now hundreds of kilometers away from my hometown, the ghost of my past deeds haunts me, and I can’t sleep any more. This is the reason I have taken to this open confession.
Permit me to introduce myself. My name is Pauline Chukwudi (not real name). I’m from Enugu State, and precisely from Udenu Local government Area . I was only a little girl when my mum died, leaving me and my younger ones to our fate and to the care of our lovely father. My father, is no doubt a nice man, but has an issue with women, the same reason my mum died. My mum died few days after she caught our nanny and dad in their bedroom. You should know by now what she must have gone through while she was trying to cope with dad. She said she had lived with my dad despite his libido because he wanted to ensure we were trained in the way of the Lord. Unfortunately, she died three days after our maid and dad was caught doing the unholy act.
I knew it was not for nothing. I knew daddy had some curses placed on him, but I can’t say exactly the source of those causes. His urge for sex has not only driven his name to the mud, but has equally succeeded in destroying our family.
To narrow my story to how daddy’s lifestyle has affected me, I beg you to advise me at the end of this confession.
It was on a Monday morning…yes, it was a black Monday. Dad was already dressed up for work as early as 7am. I had also dressed up to take my younger brother, Gabriel to school. The Okada guy who normally takes us to school brought me back after I had dropped Gabriel. I thought daddy had left for work, but the door was still left ajar when I returned to the house around 7.30. ‘’Dad, you haven’t gone?’’ I asked. He responded coldly, ‘’ No…it’s like I have got some back pain. I need to rest a while, and then check my doctor later,’’ Dad replied. I zoomed to the kitchen to check what to take as breakfast. I didn’t meet dad in the sitting-room when I returned. I went straight to his bedroom to check if he was still there, and to my surprise, dad was on his bed. He asked me to come to the bed, and without hesitation, I went…he then asked me to massage his back, and I couldn’t have refused as I was still very innocent. I had just written my First School Leaving Exams, waiting to go to secondary school, so I had no suspicion; after all, he was my dad. But after a while, something happened, and I can’t remember exactly why I gave up to dad’s gimmicks. We had sex. In fact, I cried throughout that day as I bled for several hours. The pain- I don’t want to remember. It was excruciating. However, the sex became regular and normal. It was like we were practically living together like husband and wife. My younger brother was too little to suspect what was ongoing as the space between us was wide. I’m five years older than him.
My trouble with dad started when I got admission to the one of the best secondary schools, which I won’t mention here. Dad was always accusing me of sleeping with men. He was always taking delight in hard sex to my chagrin. He was punishing me with sex every night. I could no longer bear the situation, hence I divulged to one of my closest friends. I hear Patricia is now a Lawyer, and like a lawyer, she gave me straight talk…’’You need to avoid your dad. He is not your husband. The act is called incest. It’s a terrible act. Stop my friend,’’ she told me coldly and walked away. Even though I had known this all along, her sensitization hit me hard. Dad made advances at me two nights after my discussion with Pat, and I told him how sinful we had been living together. On hearing my resolve to avoid him, dad picked up a kitchen knife and chased me out of the house. That night, I abandoned my dream, my education, and my younger brother. Right now, I live in Lagos. Though, I still went back to school, completed my secondary education and proceeded to a polytechnic after. I just finished my NYSC, but I strongly believe that the sin of the past still haunts me as I have met different men who only sleep with me and walk away. I sleep with men indiscriminately. I’m not able to resist men. I think I’m also cursed. I want to stop it. I want to be me. I want to stop being sexually possessed. I think I have lost myself, my senses. As for dad; I don’t want to see him again. I have received several phone calls from him, but I won’t return home. Thank God I’m still in touch with my younger brother and he is doing just fine. What do I do to be me? How do I avoid indiscriminate sex? I think I have a problem. I have gone to different churches for deliverance, but yet to get any results. Is my case spiritual or biological?
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