Groom Mnombo Madyibi – nicknamed Anaconda by pals – ended up with a bandaged head after his new wife bashed him with a wine bottle.
The bride branded it a "hairy, scary cucumber" far too big for her to handle. she feared it would destroy her vagina when the footballer tried to score with her for the first time.
The frustrated 32-year-old revealed: "All was well and she enjoyed the foreplay.
"But all hell broke loose the moment I took off my underwear.
"My wife said she wanted a 4-5 inside her, not an anaconda.
"When I tried to penetrate her, she bit my ear before squeezing my balls.
"Before I knew it, she knocked me over with a bottle of wine before attempting to suffocate me with a red and white teddy bear I'd bought her as a gift."
Mnombo said his screams woke up other guests in their B and B in the small coastal town of Coffee Bay, South Africa.
His missus claimed she never hit or tried to suffocate Mnombo.
She said: "He has a big penis – long like a cucumber and hairy and scary like a bush.
"I only slapped him on the cheek."
The couple have agreed to get counselling and not involve the police.
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